The Gifts of “Not Knowing”

Over this past week I have been contending with a myriad of emotions while attempting to write my inquiry proposal for my doctoral studies, which I have recently commenced. The highs of being on a beautiful campus in the UK (Ashridge) in what felt like a carefree learning environment, with a group of very like minded souls, evoked the curious child in me. And yet, my flight touching down in Singapore signified a broader landing into, what felt like, a completely new planet. As I am in the very early days of figuring out the norms and rules of this new doctoral planet, the adult in me shoved the child aside urging me into the realities of “performing” towards an inquiry proposal that is soon due.  Much as I would like to “trust the process” completely, I find self-doubt creeping up in good measure as I get in touch with my own inadequacies, with somehow not being able to do something “valid” through this doctoral process. I also saw myself scampering to look for some kind of “model” that would somehow contain all this anxiety and give me a frame to work with. Something, anything that I could just get on with.

So I find myself thinking about re-framing my current state as one of “not knowing”. Allowing this state of not knowing to play havoc within me is proving an experience by itself. It is, in many ways, forcing me to suspend judgment, attributions and drawing any conclusions for much longer than I normally would. This is enabling me to hold several possibilities simultaneously and, in some ways, eases the pressure of any premature conclusions. I am entertaining the possibility that this state of “not knowing” is perhaps a very essential part of my process towards discovering some kind of new knowing. Won’t I always be in this state of “not knowing” something and how do I not let it cripple me, but keep me engaged in creating new knowledge?  While it feels messy, destabilizing and completely intangible, it is forcing me to examine my own learning history and patterns and to immerse myself fully in experiencing the mess, the confusion, the endless doubts and the joys of discovery.

One way I experience my life unfolding is as a continuous and simultaneous cycle of knowing and not knowing, that comes from many different terrains. A lot of it feels primarily anchored in a place of belief, intuition and sensing (among many other foundations), And yet, I find, very often, that this knowing sits alongside an intellectual and academic curiosity, in a manner that the two do converge. My doctoral program forces exactly this in a very intentional way – to focus on an inquiry that really resonates at a very personal level within identified academic territories. While my reading list lurks in the background, I am finding myself drawn towards exploring and expressing a knowing that primarily comes from within. Even before judging the sensibilities of my own writing, I am finding myself deeply intrigued by the very nature of truth, change and knowledge. After all, how do we know?

I did end up writing a first draft this week, which felt sloppy, amateurish and all over the place, like a beginner again. This is helping me connect with the emotional dilemmas of many of my clients, who often find themselves at the crossroads of pursuing their passion versus practicalities (bank balance, social status and “commitments”). It feels like standing at the crossroads of the known (and sometimes outgrown) and the new and undefined, with a compulsory stopover in land of the unknown. It is both daunting and exciting to be in that space of letting go of the old while not knowing what the new feels, looks, smells and sounds like. And yet, I feel drawn into this journey, which feels right in so many ways, enabling me to find expression to the forming, unfinished and ever-changing nature of my own being, forcing me to ask, in the words of Carl Rogers, “Am I living in a way that is deeply satisfying to me, and which truly expresses me?”